New Directions

Hello!
Its been a while. And I was super on the fence about even writing this post. After some thought on this post, I do want to shed light on all aspects of this journey I've been on and I'd be leaving out a huge part of surrogacy if I failed to talk about life after carrying for this wonderful family 😊
I feel like I say this a lot, but as a warning, this may get a bit wordy and emotional.
It's been quite a busy few months since Ava's arrival. After having her, I took what I dubbed a "baby-cation" for 6 weeks. I bounced back after the first two weeks and then basically hit up the house projects something fierce (painted Armin's room, my room, stained my deck and prepped my basement for ~hopefully~ new floors this winter). It was nice to have the time off but as you can see, I need something to keep myself busy so it was nice getting back to work when I did.
Ava and her dads had stayed in Sioux Falls for about 3 weeks while they waited for renovations on their house to get closer to completion. It was wonderful to spend that time with them and to kind of show them "the sights" when they felt up to it. As I had imagined, it was very bittersweet to say goodbye to them. I was beyond happy to see them getting back to their home and finally getting to experience their new family-hood back in their own space but it felt like saying an indefinite goodbye to close friends/extended family. From the updates I receive, it sounds like they have adjusted well to fatherhood and Ava has had quite the life already. She was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz for her first Halloween, attends swim classes and will be going on her first vacation with her dads and grandmothers soon 😊💜
In the midst of all of this, I had stayed in contact with the surrogacy agency and had made it known that I wanted to pursue another journey. I started the process of having my medical records evaluated and waited a few weeks with a huge question mark over if I would be medically clear to go on with another journey.
At the beginning October, I finally received the official word.
As I had talked about in my previous post, I was induced about 3 weeks early due to the discovery that I had developed Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP). There isn't much known about ICP but the bigger risks mostly pertain to baby and can include consequences as dire as stillbirth. With ICP, there is about a 60% chance of recurrence in future pregnancies. I had met with my OB to get clearance and had sent my medical records to be reviewed by the agency as well as one of the fertility clinics they trust (the one we had been to for the transfer). They said they reviewed my case with not only the reproductive endocrinologist but a fertility board that they have through the clinic. I was told that they did not come haphazardly to the conclusion they did because they knew what was at stake in considering my case and due to ICP being somewhat uncommon.
One of the coordinators from IARC (the surrogacy agency) reached out to me early October to tell me that although they wished they had different news for me, I was not approved for another surrogacy journey.
My heart sank with this news.
It's hard to explain but this was more than just being pregnant for me. Surrogacy has changed me undoubtedly for the better. The honor of being able to carry for two awesome parents, meeting the family she would be welcomed in to and being a part of seeing DJ & JP become parents from the day they found out they were expecting to the moment their daughter came into this world is truly beyond words. It still brings tears of joy to me to look back on these moments. I am beyond grateful to have been a part of this experience and was SO looking forward to being able to carry again.
So to hear that I am now unfit to do so was a hard pill to swallow.
Having said that, I have come more to terms with this fact. I understand the fertility clinic's reasoning and although I don't like what it means for me, I agree with it 100%. Yes, there is a decent chance that things could be fine for another pregnancy. However, I don't want to know personally what it would feel like to carry a child and possibly find out that I have ICP again and it be too late, resulting in dire consequences for the hypothetical baby. As much as it hurts right now to know I can't be a surrogate again, I know I would be devastated to be responsible for something like that.
Mostly now, I just feel a sense of disappointment in my body that I've never really experienced before. This body has brought me through so many things in life and can take a lot so for it to suddenly just throw the ICP in at the end of an otherwise normal pregnancy was just a bit rude in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, I love my body and have no shame in what it physically looks like after having housed 2 babies. But if it could have juuuuust made it 3 more weeks...
But to wish that is futile and pointless.
And I don't have time for futile and pointless.
So, the last few months, I've been scheming at what my next "thing" will be. What can give me purpose and a sense that I'm truly leaving an impact on this world?
Well, I've (hopefully) found an answer.
I just heard back a couple weeks ago and will tentatively be volunteering as a rape crisis responder for my hometown.
Quite unrelated to surrogacy but something I feel equally passionate for. This realization came to me after an experience I had at work. I want to be on the front lines in being an advocate for those who have survived rape or domestic violence. Though it will be trying, I know I can serve this opportunity well and am looking forward to starting this volunteer work in early 2020. That on top of my current job, being a badass mom and keeping up with my social life should keep me busy and give me plenty of purpose in my life 😉
So as I end this post in only the awkward way I know how, I just want to say, again, how awesome of an experience this has been. I am constantly in awe that I have been able to be a part of the beginning of a beautiful family and I will always cherish the relationship with them that has come to be. They continue to send random pictures of her/them and those updates always brighten my days. As for surrogacy, I love answering any questions that come to people's minds about the process and my experience with it. I appreciate the time you all have taken to read up on my wordy views of surrogacy and my unforgettable experience throughout this journey. And I am humbled at the strong support I've received from my family and friends throughout this crazy journey. This is a smidge cliche but I am so blessed.
With that,
Peace out from this Unconventional Oven!

Saw this the night of the transfer and it's resonated a lot with me throughout this journey <3